1
00:00:05,488 --> 00:00:06,799
Okay, honey,
I'm throwing this out.

2
00:00:06,799 --> 00:00:08,249
Oh, please don't.

3
00:00:08,249 --> 00:00:10,320
-Look how ugly it is.
-Still.

4
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:14,876
-It's an asparagus teapot.
-My cousin Sharon gave it to us.

5
00:00:14,876 --> 00:00:16,257
-Do you ever see Sharon?
-No.

6
00:00:16,257 --> 00:00:18,259
-Is Sharon ever coming over?
-No.

7
00:00:18,259 --> 00:00:19,847
-Does she like asparagus tea?
-No.

8
00:00:19,847 --> 00:00:21,814
-I'm throwing it out.
-Please don't.

9
00:00:21,814 --> 00:00:22,884
[SIGHS]

10
00:00:24,265 --> 00:00:26,888
♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

11
00:00:57,505 --> 00:00:58,610
Can I help you?

12
00:00:58,610 --> 00:01:00,784
PAUL: Yes, please.
Six cannolis, please.

13
00:01:00,784 --> 00:01:01,854
Séicannoli.

14
00:01:01,854 --> 00:01:02,890
I just did.

15
00:01:05,410 --> 00:01:07,274
God, I love coming here, Paulie.

16
00:01:07,274 --> 00:01:09,586
Will you stop staring? You know
what she looks like already.

17
00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:11,692
She's the one
that I am gonna marry.

18
00:01:11,692 --> 00:01:12,934
What is the matter with you?

19
00:01:12,934 --> 00:01:14,419
What? You don't think
she's not beautiful?

20
00:01:14,419 --> 00:01:15,696
-She's gorgeous.
-Magnificent.

21
00:01:15,696 --> 00:01:16,800
-Stunning.
-Dazzling.

22
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,699
-Resplendent.
-Aphrodite and Helen of Troy.

23
00:01:18,699 --> 00:01:20,287
You don't have a shot in hell
with her.

24
00:01:20,287 --> 00:01:21,357
IRA: Oh, yeah?

25
00:01:21,357 --> 00:01:22,979
She's so way out
of your league.

26
00:01:22,979 --> 00:01:24,360
What do you mean my league?

27
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,983
Your league.
Look, you are in your league,

28
00:01:26,983 --> 00:01:28,571
which is a good league.
It's competitive.

29
00:01:28,571 --> 00:01:29,951
Triple A. It's a fine league.

30
00:01:29,951 --> 00:01:32,264
She is in her league,
professional, major league.

31
00:01:32,264 --> 00:01:34,473
-Different league.
-No such thing as leagues.

32
00:01:34,473 --> 00:01:36,648
Oh, boy.
So much of the world's pain

33
00:01:36,648 --> 00:01:38,028
has started
with that very sentence.

34
00:01:38,028 --> 00:01:39,685
Okay, you know everything.

35
00:01:39,685 --> 00:01:40,928
It just so happens, my friend,

36
00:01:40,928 --> 00:01:43,793
that I've started to make
a little progress with her.

37
00:01:43,793 --> 00:01:45,139
-With her?
-IRA: Yeah.

38
00:01:45,553 --> 00:01:47,486
That's why she hasn't
looked at you once?

39
00:01:47,486 --> 00:01:49,005
-Oh, Paulie.
-No, 'cause you can tell.

40
00:01:49,005 --> 00:01:50,455
When they're pumping cream
into Napoleons,

41
00:01:50,455 --> 00:01:52,146
that's when you really got them.

42
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:55,080
She's playing it cool in front
of the old man. That's all.

43
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:56,978
You believe
what you gotta believe.

44
00:01:56,978 --> 00:02:00,568
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

45
00:02:00,568 --> 00:02:01,638
[SQUELCHES]

46
00:02:02,605 --> 00:02:04,400
-ANTONIO: Excuse me.
-IRA: Sure.

47
00:02:04,952 --> 00:02:07,334
I'm just so surprised
Italy let this guy go.

48
00:02:09,094 --> 00:02:10,613
Paulie, look at that.

49
00:02:11,061 --> 00:02:12,270
What is the matter with you?

50
00:02:12,270 --> 00:02:13,961
Do you not understand
how the world works?

51
00:02:13,961 --> 00:02:15,963
Let me explain this to you
so you understand it.

52
00:02:15,963 --> 00:02:18,138
Women like that
don't go for guys like us.

53
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,863
They don't see us.

54
00:02:19,863 --> 00:02:21,727
-They don't even notice us.
-[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

55
00:02:25,352 --> 00:02:26,594
Although...

56
00:02:31,254 --> 00:02:33,636
Jamie, help me out here.
I'm confused.

57
00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:35,016
This is what, your receipts?

58
00:02:35,016 --> 00:02:36,639
These are my business expenses,

59
00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:38,399
these are from Paul's business,

60
00:02:38,399 --> 00:02:40,505
and these are
miscellaneous receipts

61
00:02:40,505 --> 00:02:41,954
from stuff we did together

62
00:02:41,954 --> 00:02:43,680
but might be deductible
as something.

63
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,406
We were hoping
you could tell us what.

64
00:02:45,406 --> 00:02:47,822
-Row boat rental, $18.
-Okay, right there.

65
00:02:47,822 --> 00:02:49,169
This was Paul's idea.

66
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,550
We went rowing, but we were
complaining about our jobs.

67
00:02:52,586 --> 00:02:54,035
Throw that out.

68
00:02:54,035 --> 00:02:55,934
Next year,
when the baby comes...

69
00:02:55,934 --> 00:02:58,247
Knock on wood,
it should only happen.

70
00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:01,698
We'll be able to be more
creative with your deductions.

71
00:03:01,698 --> 00:03:04,391
Put files in his crib
and say it's office furniture.

72
00:03:04,391 --> 00:03:06,186
-Yuck.
-What?

73
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,636
-I'm just sick of myself.
-What are you talking about?

74
00:03:08,636 --> 00:03:10,983
I'm sick of my whole
faux natural,

75
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:13,123
"I did nothing to my hair.
I just woke up this way,

76
00:03:13,123 --> 00:03:15,125
but secretly, we all know
it took hours" look.

77
00:03:15,125 --> 00:03:16,541
You look beautiful.

78
00:03:16,541 --> 00:03:18,715
You know what I am? I'm 32.

79
00:03:18,715 --> 00:03:21,546
This exemption
from three years ago,

80
00:03:21,546 --> 00:03:22,857
however, is worthless.

81
00:03:22,857 --> 00:03:25,515
-We never sent that in?
-I'm holding it in my hands.

82
00:03:25,515 --> 00:03:27,276
Oh, well... Oops.

83
00:03:28,622 --> 00:03:29,899
I'll take care of that.

84
00:03:30,451 --> 00:03:33,316
See this? These guys right here.
These are all stress.

85
00:03:33,316 --> 00:03:35,042
This one right here,
that's Paul.

86
00:03:35,870 --> 00:03:37,147
I have that wrinkle.

87
00:03:37,147 --> 00:03:40,496
And this one right here
is actually also Paul.

88
00:03:42,463 --> 00:03:43,568
What is wrong with you?

89
00:03:43,568 --> 00:03:45,294
JAMIE: I'm 32 years old.

90
00:03:45,294 --> 00:03:47,503
I don't want to go down
looking like this.

91
00:03:48,435 --> 00:03:50,022
-Hey.
-DEB: Hey.

92
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:53,440
Deb, you're still here.
How we doing?

93
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,717
Well, if I'm a crafty person,

94
00:03:54,717 --> 00:03:56,788
I may be able
to keep you out of prison.

95
00:03:56,788 --> 00:03:58,168
That's all we would ask.

96
00:03:58,790 --> 00:04:01,413
-My little bride. How are you?
-I'm 32.

97
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,795
All right.
So I didn't miss much.

98
00:04:04,899 --> 00:04:06,556
You have to try these.

99
00:04:06,556 --> 00:04:08,593
-Unbelievable.
-What's in there?

100
00:04:08,593 --> 00:04:11,216
Little pastries made for you
by the Italian people.

101
00:04:12,113 --> 00:04:14,288
You know, Ira's going out
with that girl now.

102
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:16,014
-What girl?
-This beautiful girl.

103
00:04:16,014 --> 00:04:17,429
What beautiful girl?

104
00:04:17,774 --> 00:04:20,018
I didn't tell you about this
beautiful girl in the bakery?

105
00:04:20,018 --> 00:04:21,364
-JAMIE: No.
-Well...

106
00:04:21,364 --> 00:04:23,228
There's a beautiful girl
in the bakery.

107
00:04:23,228 --> 00:04:25,334
Ira's going out with her now.

108
00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:27,128
Well, good for Ira.

109
00:04:27,128 --> 00:04:29,579
Like, unbelievably beautiful.
I mean, like...

110
00:04:29,579 --> 00:04:30,649
No exaggeration.

111
00:04:30,649 --> 00:04:33,238
Possibly the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.

112
00:04:33,238 --> 00:04:35,033
I get nervous talking to her.

113
00:04:35,033 --> 00:04:36,345
So how's work?

114
00:04:36,345 --> 00:04:38,139
Work...
Oh, everybody hates me there.

115
00:04:38,139 --> 00:04:39,209
JAMIE: They do not.

116
00:04:39,209 --> 00:04:41,936
So, this woman,
Ira's new girlfriend,

117
00:04:41,936 --> 00:04:43,800
what exactly
is so beautiful about her?

118
00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,286
Yes. Go. Share all the details
with your wife.

119
00:04:47,528 --> 00:04:50,462
Oh, wait. Is this a thing?
I can't share this with you?

120
00:04:50,462 --> 00:04:53,051
-Of course you can.
-Am I being unreasonable?

121
00:04:53,051 --> 00:04:54,604
A person can't share
with their partner

122
00:04:54,604 --> 00:04:56,468
that somebody else
is attractive?

123
00:04:56,951 --> 00:04:58,125
No. Go ahead.

124
00:04:58,539 --> 00:05:01,887
-Seriously.
-We're interested.

125
00:05:06,064 --> 00:05:08,515
Okay.
All I'm saying is that

126
00:05:08,515 --> 00:05:11,380
this woman has a quality,
you know?

127
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:14,279
She's like a mysterious,
like an ethnic... you know?

128
00:05:14,279 --> 00:05:17,144
She's just, like, a beauti--
Look, you know.

129
00:05:17,144 --> 00:05:19,457
You are a tremendously
beautiful woman.

130
00:05:19,457 --> 00:05:22,149
You really are.
Yours is a sophisticated,

131
00:05:22,149 --> 00:05:23,633
it's a very intelligent...

132
00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:26,326
It's like an accessible
kind of beauty, you know?

133
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,534
This woman...

134
00:05:29,087 --> 00:05:31,814
What?
This woman... It's like a--

135
00:05:31,814 --> 00:05:34,817
It's like a raw,
dramatic kind of beauty.

136
00:05:34,817 --> 00:05:35,818
Dramatic?

137
00:05:36,370 --> 00:05:37,992
You know what?
Just forget the whole thing.

138
00:05:37,992 --> 00:05:39,304
-What?
-Forget it.

139
00:05:39,304 --> 00:05:41,479
Can I say I hate both of you
very much right now.

140
00:05:41,479 --> 00:05:42,721
-DEB: She asked.
-JAMIE: I did.

141
00:05:42,721 --> 00:05:45,241
I want to hear it.
What did you say?

142
00:05:45,241 --> 00:05:46,863
You said she's dramatic?

143
00:05:47,657 --> 00:05:48,865
[SIGHS]

144
00:05:50,591 --> 00:05:52,075
My point...

145
00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:54,354
My point was this.
She...

146
00:05:55,734 --> 00:05:59,186
There is beautiful
and then there's beautiful.

147
00:05:59,876 --> 00:06:01,947
There's beautiful
in the Jamie sense,

148
00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:04,087
which is tremendously
beautiful,

149
00:06:04,087 --> 00:06:06,745
and believe me,
all I would ever need.

150
00:06:06,745 --> 00:06:09,541
Then there's beautiful
in the sense of this woman,

151
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:11,888
which is like
an organically, cosmically,

152
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:15,478
like, no more beautiful
than you.

153
00:06:15,478 --> 00:06:16,617
It's not a measure...

154
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,482
It... Look, you know...

155
00:06:19,482 --> 00:06:20,725
See, you know what?

156
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:26,972
The truth is, she--
That's her only thing, see?

157
00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:30,459
Her beauty. So she has that.
She has the beauty.

158
00:06:30,459 --> 00:06:33,220
Whereas you have
so many gifts, you know?

159
00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:35,325
Whereas to you,
God gave with both hands,

160
00:06:35,878 --> 00:06:37,120
and she...

161
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,812
That's it.
That's, like, you know...

162
00:06:38,812 --> 00:06:41,780
She's, like...
She's pathetic is what she is.

163
00:06:41,780 --> 00:06:44,438
You kind of...
you have to feel sorry for her.

164
00:06:51,687 --> 00:06:54,586
-So Ira met a pretty girl.
-That's all I'm saying.

165
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,387
Sophia, the last time
I saw you and Ira--

166
00:07:02,387 --> 00:07:03,664
We were doing this.

167
00:07:04,734 --> 00:07:06,978
That's what you were doing
at that time. All right.

168
00:07:06,978 --> 00:07:08,600
That's all right. It's only me.

169
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,637
My wife's gonna be here
in a couple of minutes.

170
00:07:10,637 --> 00:07:11,948
She'll kiss me plenty.

171
00:07:12,604 --> 00:07:13,778
Right, Splinky?

172
00:07:13,778 --> 00:07:15,227
Yeah, that's right.

173
00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,540
Splinky, what is this Splinky?

174
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:19,300
What does it mean?

175
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:21,233
It's just a nickname
from when we were kids.

176
00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,925
-It's a funny story.
-Paulie.

177
00:07:22,925 --> 00:07:24,478
Tell a little funny story,
break the ice.

178
00:07:25,928 --> 00:07:29,449
When we were kids,
my mom got a bikini...

179
00:07:29,897 --> 00:07:33,073
a bikini as a gift.
Somebody gave it to her.

180
00:07:33,073 --> 00:07:36,663
She would never wear it.
So this guy, he's crazy.

181
00:07:36,663 --> 00:07:38,872
He puts it on. He's wearing it
around the house.

182
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,427
We were five years old.
It means nothing.

183
00:07:42,427 --> 00:07:43,670
So he was wearing it,

184
00:07:43,670 --> 00:07:45,741
and you could see
through the material.

185
00:07:45,741 --> 00:07:48,882
This is why it's funny.
You could see his "splinky".

186
00:07:51,022 --> 00:07:53,024
So we would say "splinky".
That's...

187
00:07:57,338 --> 00:07:59,340
I don't know where Jamie is.

188
00:08:00,134 --> 00:08:02,412
I'm gonna give her a call.
Excuse me.

189
00:08:12,181 --> 00:08:13,354
You like it?

190
00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:32,270
[SMASHES]

191
00:08:35,342 --> 00:08:38,172
Yes, so I do like your hair.
Yes.

192
00:08:38,172 --> 00:08:39,242
It seems like you do.

193
00:08:40,623 --> 00:08:42,107
That's not bad, huh?

194
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,316
That's six hours, 42 minutes

195
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,664
of pretty much intermittent
lovemaking.

196
00:08:46,664 --> 00:08:48,666
-Pretty much.
-[PHONE RINGS]

197
00:08:48,666 --> 00:08:52,186
And I gotta say, you were
crucial to so many parts of it.

198
00:08:53,463 --> 00:08:54,568
Hello.

199
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,570
-IRA: She dumped me, Paulie.
-Ira.

200
00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:59,608
Yeah, two weeks,
four days, two hours,

201
00:08:59,608 --> 00:09:02,300
and she dumped me
like the Queen of Spades.

202
00:09:02,818 --> 00:09:05,475
Boy, I'm sorry.
I feel terrible about it.

203
00:09:05,475 --> 00:09:07,512
IRA: No warning, nothing.
Just boom.

204
00:09:07,512 --> 00:09:09,549
Um... Can I call you back?

205
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,274
-Oh, no. Don't bother.
-You okay?

206
00:09:11,274 --> 00:09:13,518
I have one thing to say to you,
"Thanks a lot."

207
00:09:13,518 --> 00:09:15,796
-And thanks a lot for nothing.-[HANGS UP]

208
00:09:16,866 --> 00:09:19,075
-He just hung up on me.
-Why?

209
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,699
Why?
Because everybody hates me.

210
00:09:22,285 --> 00:09:23,390
Not everybody.

211
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,750
Hello there.

212
00:09:39,164 --> 00:09:40,545
JAMIE: Hey, Nat.

213
00:09:40,545 --> 00:09:42,582
Oh, hey there,
Mrs. Buchman.

214
00:09:43,030 --> 00:09:45,757
Sorry. I didn't realize
you'd be home.

215
00:09:45,757 --> 00:09:46,931
Oh, that's okay.

216
00:09:46,931 --> 00:09:48,139
No, because you know,

217
00:09:48,139 --> 00:09:51,245
otherwise I would have knocked,
or rung the bell,

218
00:09:51,245 --> 00:09:54,007
or made some other form of...

219
00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:55,802
treaty of entry due. Hey.

220
00:09:55,802 --> 00:09:56,803
Hey.

221
00:09:58,114 --> 00:10:00,047
Ho there.

222
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:05,190
Oh. Well, you like it?

223
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:09,436
-Jiminy.
-Jiminy? What does that mean?

224
00:10:09,436 --> 00:10:12,335
Jiminy is like
willickers or jeepers.

225
00:10:12,335 --> 00:10:14,544
It's in the "wow" family.

226
00:10:14,544 --> 00:10:15,891
You don't like it.

227
00:10:15,891 --> 00:10:17,099
No, no, no.

228
00:10:17,099 --> 00:10:18,687
You can say
if you don't like it.

229
00:10:18,687 --> 00:10:20,550
-No, no, no.
-It's okay.

230
00:10:20,550 --> 00:10:22,414
No. I just...

231
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,589
The question that I would ask...

232
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,764
is...

233
00:10:28,110 --> 00:10:31,113
-Why?
-Why what?

234
00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:32,666
Why would you?

235
00:10:33,978 --> 00:10:35,151
Oh.

236
00:10:35,151 --> 00:10:37,706
Well, I guess I just felt
like I needed a change.

237
00:10:39,121 --> 00:10:41,226
And I guess I just wanted
to try something different.

238
00:10:41,744 --> 00:10:43,815
But why do you want
to try something different

239
00:10:43,815 --> 00:10:44,989
when you're already so...

240
00:10:46,335 --> 00:10:48,026
-You are...
-What?

241
00:10:48,026 --> 00:10:49,303
No, no.

242
00:10:50,546 --> 00:10:52,237
You know, just... Well...

243
00:10:53,998 --> 00:10:56,690
Speaking... well, if I may
just speak as a man...

244
00:10:57,242 --> 00:10:58,312
Um, well...

245
00:10:59,106 --> 00:11:01,522
-May I speak as a man?
-Please. Please.

246
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,766
I'm just going to let this rip.

247
00:11:03,766 --> 00:11:06,838
I'm from the "if it ain't broke,
don't fix it" school,

248
00:11:06,838 --> 00:11:10,704
and Mrs. Buchman,
you were extremely not broke.

249
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,051
And I mean that
with all due respect, please.

250
00:11:13,569 --> 00:11:16,606
Oh. Nat, that's very sweet.

251
00:11:16,606 --> 00:11:18,436
Please forgive me
if I'm speaking out of line.

252
00:11:18,436 --> 00:11:20,231
I know I'm just here
to walk the dog,

253
00:11:20,231 --> 00:11:21,991
and that's irrespective
of your hair color.

254
00:11:22,647 --> 00:11:25,546
Whatever you do
on a follicular level,

255
00:11:25,546 --> 00:11:27,031
it's none of my beeswax.

256
00:11:27,031 --> 00:11:28,688
No, no, no, no, no.

257
00:11:30,034 --> 00:11:31,967
Just, you know,
out of curiosity,

258
00:11:32,761 --> 00:11:34,728
how did Mr. Buchman react?
Did he like it?

259
00:11:35,591 --> 00:11:37,558
He felt exactly
the same way as you.

260
00:11:37,558 --> 00:11:38,594
You see that?

261
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,705
Hey, Ira?

262
00:11:46,809 --> 00:11:47,776
I?

263
00:11:49,122 --> 00:11:50,295
Hey, Splinky?

264
00:11:50,295 --> 00:11:52,573
-I'll give you Splinky.
-Hey, what are you doing?

265
00:11:52,573 --> 00:11:54,092
You killed me.
You sabotaged me.

266
00:11:54,092 --> 00:11:56,612
-What are you talking about?
-You deliberately tried...

267
00:11:57,061 --> 00:11:59,684
-At lunch, the way you acted.
-How did I act?

268
00:11:59,684 --> 00:12:00,892
Like the village idiot.

269
00:12:00,892 --> 00:12:03,412
Seventy-one times you told her,
"It's nice to meet you."

270
00:12:04,309 --> 00:12:07,140
-Nobody's that nice to meet.
-Get off of me, you nut job.

271
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:08,624
Then you told her
about Splinky.

272
00:12:08,624 --> 00:12:10,419
How could you tell her
about Splinky?

273
00:12:10,419 --> 00:12:12,179
One second, one second.

274
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,043
Get off of me.

275
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,665
[IRA GRUNTS]

276
00:12:15,665 --> 00:12:16,805
Hold it.

277
00:12:19,221 --> 00:12:20,878
What the hell
are you talking about?

278
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:25,779
-You were jealous, weren't you?
-I was jealous of what?

279
00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,644
Of the fact that for the first
time since the fourth grade,

280
00:12:28,644 --> 00:12:30,059
I had a hotter girl than you.

281
00:12:31,681 --> 00:12:34,892
Okay, first of all,
could you be, like, less mature?

282
00:12:35,651 --> 00:12:37,791
-Take that back.
-I will not.

283
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,413
-Take it back.
-I will not.

284
00:12:39,413 --> 00:12:41,346
What are you,
seven years old now?

285
00:12:41,346 --> 00:12:42,589
Yeah. I'm seven years old.

286
00:12:43,659 --> 00:12:46,386
-Jamie is just as hot as Sophia.
-You wish!

287
00:12:46,386 --> 00:12:49,492
-She's more hot than Sophia.
-Give me a break!

288
00:12:49,492 --> 00:12:51,494
There's beautiful,
and then there's beautiful.

289
00:12:51,494 --> 00:12:52,806
You're so stupid.

290
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:55,533
You think there's some objective
standard of beautiful?

291
00:12:55,533 --> 00:12:57,777
-Yes!
-Let me tell you something.

292
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,951
Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder, okay?

293
00:12:59,951 --> 00:13:01,194
And don't forget it!

294
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,058
You nut!

295
00:13:07,545 --> 00:13:09,340
IRA: You're a lunatic,
you know that?

296
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:12,067
-You know what I think?
-What?

297
00:13:12,861 --> 00:13:15,725
-I think that's a bunch of crap.
-All right. Come on.

298
00:13:15,725 --> 00:13:18,349
Stuff it with your "beauty
is in the eye of the beholder"!

299
00:13:18,349 --> 00:13:21,145
There is no objective reality.
Get off me.

300
00:13:22,215 --> 00:13:24,596
-Admit it. You were jealous.
-Baloney!

301
00:13:24,596 --> 00:13:26,115
You wanted to behold
what I beheld.

302
00:13:26,115 --> 00:13:27,220
No, sir!

303
00:13:27,220 --> 00:13:28,911
You deliberately tried
to sabotage me.

304
00:13:29,912 --> 00:13:32,294
You wouldn't quit until
Sophia was out of my life.

305
00:13:32,294 --> 00:13:33,847
You're choking me here.

306
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:34,814
Get off!

307
00:13:38,058 --> 00:13:39,197
You nut!

308
00:13:40,681 --> 00:13:42,304
-She was the one, Paulie.
-PAUL: Look.

309
00:13:42,752 --> 00:13:45,272
If I said something
that embarrassed you

310
00:13:45,272 --> 00:13:46,756
or caused you grievance,

311
00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:48,793
I apologize.

312
00:13:48,793 --> 00:13:51,244
I'm very sorry, okay?

313
00:13:51,244 --> 00:13:52,728
She was my tesoro.

314
00:13:52,728 --> 00:13:54,592
-I understand.
-You know what that means?

315
00:13:54,592 --> 00:13:55,835
No. What does that mean?

316
00:13:56,766 --> 00:13:57,906
I have no idea.

317
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,151
Well, you think about it.

318
00:14:02,738 --> 00:14:04,774
I came here as a man of peace.

319
00:14:05,672 --> 00:14:07,985
I came because I was concerned
about your welfare.

320
00:14:07,985 --> 00:14:09,883
-I know.
-This is the treatment I get.

321
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,058
Well... I got a little hot.
I'm sorry.

322
00:14:12,058 --> 00:14:13,507
PAUL: Yeah.
Let me ask you something.

323
00:14:13,507 --> 00:14:16,131
Do you really think that me
telling her about Splinky,

324
00:14:16,131 --> 00:14:17,580
-that that's gonna--
-I'll give you "Splinky"!

325
00:14:17,580 --> 00:14:18,581
Alright!

326
00:14:24,449 --> 00:14:26,072
You're not gonna believe this.

327
00:14:26,072 --> 00:14:27,832
He blames me
for the whole Sophia thing.

328
00:14:27,832 --> 00:14:29,696
Ow. Ow. What?

329
00:14:29,696 --> 00:14:31,974
JAMIE:
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

330
00:14:31,974 --> 00:14:32,941
PAUL: Ow!

331
00:14:39,188 --> 00:14:41,915
Well, let me just say
everybody hates me.

332
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:45,125
They don't hate you.
I don't hate you.

333
00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:47,576
-Thank you very much.
-I used to hate you.

334
00:14:47,576 --> 00:14:49,785
-What is that?
-During the divorce.

335
00:14:49,785 --> 00:14:50,855
PAUL: When? Why?

336
00:14:50,855 --> 00:14:53,306
-Oh, hated your guts.
-What is that all about?

337
00:14:53,306 --> 00:14:56,033
-No, no, no. Nothing.
-You say something like that...

338
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:59,001
Because every time I saw you,
you would mention Fran.

339
00:14:59,001 --> 00:15:01,970
Fran and Jamie
did this and that.

340
00:15:01,970 --> 00:15:03,488
It's like you couldn't
help yourself.

341
00:15:03,488 --> 00:15:05,801
-Why didn't you say something?
-Who could get a word in?

342
00:15:07,389 --> 00:15:09,909
-Well, sorry. Sorry.
-[INCOHERENT NOISES]

343
00:15:10,771 --> 00:15:11,911
It's blood under the bridge.

344
00:15:14,016 --> 00:15:15,431
I don't hate you anymore.

345
00:15:15,431 --> 00:15:17,571
Jamie doesn't hate you.
She's upset.

346
00:15:18,469 --> 00:15:20,989
Why would she be so upset?
What, that I like her hair?

347
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:25,338
You know, when I was in Nepal,

348
00:15:26,546 --> 00:15:30,136
I'm chatting with this Sherpa
about the question of why,

349
00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:33,587
which in his language
is pronounced nchtem,

350
00:15:33,587 --> 00:15:36,659
and he said something
very interesting.

351
00:15:36,659 --> 00:15:38,903
He said that
asking the question of why...

352
00:15:40,353 --> 00:15:42,734
is like pulling one leg
off a centipede.

353
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:43,977
It gets you nowhere.

354
00:15:45,151 --> 00:15:47,463
-Why?
-Because...

355
00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:49,500
For every question why,

356
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,088
the answer is because,

357
00:15:51,088 --> 00:15:53,883
and for every because,
there's another why.

358
00:15:53,883 --> 00:15:57,542
Yes, but why would she be
so angry at me?

359
00:15:57,542 --> 00:16:01,443
Because she's afraid that
after she has the baby...

360
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:04,135
-Hey, knock on wood.
-Knock wood.

361
00:16:05,309 --> 00:16:08,208
Because she's afraid that, then,
she won't be attractive or sexy.

362
00:16:08,208 --> 00:16:09,796
But that's so stupid. Why?

363
00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:13,524
You see? Sherpa was right.
He was a wise man.

364
00:16:13,524 --> 00:16:14,870
Sage. He was a sage.

365
00:16:14,870 --> 00:16:16,630
[PHONE RINGS]

366
00:16:18,391 --> 00:16:19,599
Hello?

367
00:16:19,599 --> 00:16:21,704
-SOPHIA: Is this Jamie?
-Yes. Who's this?

368
00:16:21,704 --> 00:16:23,844
Sophia, Ira's friend.

369
00:16:23,844 --> 00:16:25,294
Oh, hi, Sophia.
How's everything?

370
00:16:25,294 --> 00:16:27,676
-SOPHIA: Not so good.
-What's the problem?

371
00:16:27,676 --> 00:16:29,919
It's Ira.
He won't leave me alone.

372
00:16:29,919 --> 00:16:31,611
You have to come and get him.

373
00:16:31,611 --> 00:16:34,510
How do you say?
He's freaking out on the street.

374
00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:35,615
Listen.

375
00:16:35,615 --> 00:16:37,720
♪ And by the little jewelry shop ♪

376
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,722
♪ We'll stop and linger

377
00:16:39,722 --> 00:16:42,587
♪ While I buy
a wedding ring ♪

378
00:16:42,587 --> 00:16:44,969
♪ For your finger

379
00:16:45,452 --> 00:16:46,971
♪ In the meantime...

380
00:16:46,971 --> 00:16:48,421
If you don't come and get him,

381
00:16:48,421 --> 00:16:51,044
my father's going to beat him
silly with a sfogliatelli.

382
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:53,736
-With a what?
-A sfogliatelli.

383
00:16:53,736 --> 00:16:56,394
It's a small Italian pastry
with cheese and sugar and...

384
00:16:56,946 --> 00:16:58,431
Okay. I'll be right there.

385
00:17:01,158 --> 00:17:02,987
Taxi! Taxi!

386
00:17:04,471 --> 00:17:07,923
♪ Though it's hard for us to whisper ♪

387
00:17:07,923 --> 00:17:09,649
[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]
Nutcake!

388
00:17:10,098 --> 00:17:11,478
Ira, please. Please.

389
00:17:11,478 --> 00:17:13,411
My father's
going to call the police.

390
00:17:14,585 --> 00:17:15,620
Papa, no!

391
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:19,797
♪ With that old moon above the Mediterranean Sea ♪

392
00:17:19,797 --> 00:17:23,076
Hey, Mario Lanza.
Hey, there. How's it going?

393
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:24,250
It's good. Excuse me.

394
00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:25,320
♪ In the morning...

395
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,149
-Maybe not right now.
-Nutcake!

396
00:17:27,149 --> 00:17:29,117
Nothing to see here.

397
00:17:31,981 --> 00:17:34,018
-Everything all right?
-Oh, yeah. I'm aces.

398
00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:35,364
-PAUL: Hey!
-Hey.

399
00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:37,642
-I got your note. How we doing?
-What do you care?

400
00:17:37,642 --> 00:17:40,887
We've got it under control.
Go get us some biscotti.

401
00:17:40,887 --> 00:17:42,509
You don't like biscotti.

402
00:17:42,509 --> 00:17:43,717
I'll get some biscotti.

403
00:17:44,546 --> 00:17:45,650
Come here, you.

404
00:17:50,310 --> 00:17:51,449
Sophia, buon giorno.

405
00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:55,074
Buona notte.
It is too late for giorno.

406
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,283
Hope somebody told that
to Giorno.

407
00:17:57,283 --> 00:17:58,249
What?

408
00:17:59,354 --> 00:18:03,392
Um... I think I need
to apologize to you.

409
00:18:03,392 --> 00:18:04,428
For what?

410
00:18:04,911 --> 00:18:09,812
I may have said something,
or acted in a way at lunch,

411
00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:12,884
that was demeaning to Ira,
one thing in particular.

412
00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:14,162
You mean Splinky?

413
00:18:14,162 --> 00:18:15,784
The Splinky story. Yes, exactly.

414
00:18:15,784 --> 00:18:17,682
I think that was maybe
inappropriate of me,

415
00:18:17,682 --> 00:18:20,858
and, listen,
if that had anything at all

416
00:18:20,858 --> 00:18:22,722
to do with the reason
that you and Ira...

417
00:18:22,722 --> 00:18:26,864
Paul, I'm not breaking up
with Ira because of Splinky.

418
00:18:27,692 --> 00:18:29,418
No, I know. Of course not.

419
00:18:29,418 --> 00:18:32,421
I like Splinky.
It was a cute story.

420
00:18:32,421 --> 00:18:34,458
That's what I thought.
Cute story.

421
00:18:34,458 --> 00:18:35,528
It's just...

422
00:18:36,045 --> 00:18:38,462
It's just so much with Ira,
you know?

423
00:18:39,187 --> 00:18:43,225
It's so much.
It's just so... much.

424
00:18:43,846 --> 00:18:46,780
I thought I sensed
he was getting too much.

425
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,230
It's so much.

426
00:18:49,542 --> 00:18:52,269
In all fairness, I just think
he likes you so much.

427
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:56,618
He gets a little nervous,
not to embarrass you,

428
00:18:56,618 --> 00:18:59,068
you're very beautiful.
No, no. You are.

429
00:18:59,068 --> 00:19:03,728
A lot of times, guys get nervous
in front of a beautiful woman,

430
00:19:03,728 --> 00:19:06,421
like a dramatic beauty,
you know what I mean?

431
00:19:06,421 --> 00:19:09,009
-Dramatic?
-For instance, my wife,

432
00:19:09,009 --> 00:19:11,909
it's a sophisticated beauty,
different.

433
00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:13,842
Can I get some biscotti,please?

434
00:19:14,912 --> 00:19:15,982
SOPHIA: Okay.

435
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,158
And then he tells her
the Splinky story.

436
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,676
He told her
the Splinky story?

437
00:19:20,676 --> 00:19:23,576
Yes. He was once
a quality wingman.

438
00:19:24,404 --> 00:19:26,130
Not that it's not a cute story.

439
00:19:26,130 --> 00:19:28,753
Yeah, sure,
if you know the person a little.

440
00:19:28,753 --> 00:19:29,754
Still...

441
00:19:30,617 --> 00:19:33,379
As much as I love to blame
anything I possibly can

442
00:19:33,379 --> 00:19:34,863
on my husband,

443
00:19:34,863 --> 00:19:37,486
it's not the kind of thing
you break up over, you know?

444
00:19:38,625 --> 00:19:39,626
It's not?

445
00:19:43,665 --> 00:19:45,632
I don't know
what happened to me, James.

446
00:19:46,046 --> 00:19:49,464
This woman, she totally
threw me off my game.

447
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:51,569
Happens to the best of us.

448
00:19:52,087 --> 00:19:54,227
I don't know if I had a chance
to tell you.

449
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,678
-What?
-I really like your hair.

450
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,300
Thank you.

451
00:19:58,852 --> 00:20:00,613
-Hey!
-Hey.

452
00:20:01,061 --> 00:20:02,753
-Well, you were right.
-IRA: What?

453
00:20:02,753 --> 00:20:05,376
I was talking to Sophia.
She told me I blew it for you,

454
00:20:05,376 --> 00:20:07,723
because she doesn't want to have
anything to do with a guy

455
00:20:07,723 --> 00:20:10,001
who's got a cousin
as dopey as me.

456
00:20:10,001 --> 00:20:12,107
-No kidding?
-Yes, yes, yes.

457
00:20:12,970 --> 00:20:14,592
So, forgive me?

458
00:20:18,769 --> 00:20:20,495
You had sfogliatelli,
didn't you?

459
00:20:20,495 --> 00:20:22,738
Hey, from now on, doughnuts.

460
00:20:22,738 --> 00:20:24,257
It'll be a lot easier
on everybody.

461
00:20:24,913 --> 00:20:26,225
All right.

462
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,088
And my beautiful little bride,
how is she?

463
00:20:28,088 --> 00:20:29,124
She's brunette.

464
00:20:29,711 --> 00:20:32,265
Brunette and beautiful.
Can I just say something?

465
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:36,096
Listen to me.
As a brunette, as a blonde,

466
00:20:36,096 --> 00:20:38,685
as a bald lady
like on Star Trek,

467
00:20:39,134 --> 00:20:41,688
as a fat lady with 11 kids

468
00:20:41,688 --> 00:20:44,795
or a small, little,
petite lady with 15 kids,

469
00:20:44,795 --> 00:20:46,831
as a hill person, as a sock,

470
00:20:46,831 --> 00:20:49,144
whatever you want,
it's all good.

471
00:20:49,662 --> 00:20:50,870
She's fine.

472
00:20:52,389 --> 00:20:53,355
All right.

473
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,944
-Look at this.
-What?

474
00:20:55,944 --> 00:20:58,084
Everybody loves me.
That's better.

475
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,432
-I'm shattered, Paulie.
-I know.

476
00:21:01,432 --> 00:21:03,192
-I'm a shell of a man.
-I understand.

477
00:21:03,192 --> 00:21:05,402
-I will never, ever love again.
-I realize that.

478
00:21:14,549 --> 00:21:19,519
♪ With that old moon above the Mediterranean Sea ♪

479
00:21:19,519 --> 00:21:22,660
♪ In the morningsignorina,
We'll go walking ♪

480
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,698
♪ When the summer
helps the sun ♪

481
00:21:25,698 --> 00:21:27,631
♪ Turn into night

482
00:21:28,045 --> 00:21:29,046
ANTONIO: Nutcake!

483
00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:31,531
♪ And by the little jewelry shop ♪

484
00:21:31,531 --> 00:21:33,982
♪ We'll stop and linger

485
00:21:33,982 --> 00:21:36,260
♪ While I buy a wedding ring

486
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:38,297
♪ For your finger

487
00:21:38,952 --> 00:21:43,302
♪ In the meantime, let me tell you that I love you ♪

488
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,545
♪ Good evening miss

489
00:21:45,545 --> 00:21:47,271
♪ Kiss me good night

490
00:21:49,963 --> 00:21:50,999
[THUD]